In my past two years here at Hopkins interactive, I think I have spent most of my time blogging about my academic life. I’ve never really talked about who my friends are, or what I do in my free time. I guess I am pretty good at compartmentalizing my emotions from my schoolwork. I never let myself get too emotionally involved in anything or anyone for the sole purpose of knowing that when it was over or things ended badly, it would affect my commitments as a student.
This semester has done nothing but prove my initial assumptions right. All I have learned is that emotions and school don’t work well together. When things are good, they are good, but when things are bad, they are really bad. I felt like I wanted to write this blog because this is such a milestone moment in my college life. I am not a stoic engineering student who lacks emotional depth and the ability to feel empathy for others. I walked out of an eight-month relationship in these past two weeks, and it felt like my life that was carefully compartmentalized into labeled tupperwares, was dumped on the floor and all jumbled up.
Now it seems like every time I look at a problem I don’t feel like solving it, and every lab report doesn’t seem worth writing. It’s incredibly hard to take time for yourself, when you have submerged yourself into so much work you can’t take a minute or a day to sort it all through.
It’s not always easy to sort out the person you attempt to be and the person who succumbs to every emotion. I can try to pretend like this won’t affect my day-to-day life, and I can hope it won’t affect my academic performance. Yet, there I was last week sitting in front of a screen covered in syphilis particles in lab, silently letting tears stream down my face.
The times I feel the best are when my friends and I are laughing and watching television shows, or I am berating and shaking my fists at an engineering problem. I guess this just ends another chapter in my life as person and student, and it also turns the page to a new one. For now I am searching for ways to move on. However, my coping mechanisms seem to have high costs, both economically and calorie-wise. Nonetheless, it is always good to remember that this is just a phase, and it will pass. It’s just another one of those things you have to go through as both a student, and a human being.