You can’t handle the truth.Posted by Josh G. on March 12, 2011
(Disclaimer: This quickly turned into a sort of partly Postmodern essay-blog)
Feel with me, not for me, as I’m sure some of you are experiencing this with high school right now.
I feel like I’m in a bad action movie (or MacGruber sketch) with the time bomb ticking down. Only it is more like a MacGruber sketch because I get distracted for a quick second, and it’s all over.
When I was a freshman, everything was the best thing ever. Now everything is the last thing ever. With less than 11 weeks until graduation, I’m constantly grabbing to hold on to the days prior.
there is nothing that I want to do more than stay:
I love Baltimore. It is possibly the best city I’ve ever been to. The people, the music, the neighborhoods, the art, the charm.
Hopkins is home. I notice differences in my routines from year to year. This year, especially, any differences are apparent because I’m living in the same apartment. Let me be concrete for a minute. I walk home from class/work/everything by passing through Homewood Field. Last year I walked on one side of the field, this year, I inexplicably have switched. These are the kinds of things I won’t have next year. I won’t have that comfort level either. After four years of really getting to know the place that I live, I have to start over again.
The people are here now and I know them here always. First, I want to say something about my professors. I will miss them deeply. Not all of them, but most of them. They (thinking of particulars in my head, but not naming names) have really made an impact on my life, and I cannot even begin to describe how indebted I am to them for my future successes and development as an artist. Now I can say this: My friends will scatter across the world and redistribute themselves among society. Some going to grad school, some getting jobs, some moving back home. I know I’ll keep in touch with some, but it get hard. Think of all the high school friends I keep in touch with – not many. :: like Oscar Wilde said “I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones :: So it scares me a little bit that they won’t be at my fingertips for real, human social interaction. I will always associate being here with those people and expect them to be here upon my return. It’s hard thinking about losing touch with these wonderful friends.
I don’t want to be an adult yet.
there is nothing I want to do more than leave:
The wait is killing me. Walking around here when you are reminded that you have to leave can be pretty depressing as you could imagine.
I’ve had this experience, now it’s on to the next. There is nothing left here for me anymore.
I don’t know how some people stick around this place for years after they graduate. Sure I have friends that will still go here. But :: Let me tell you this – I’d rather die first than watch everyone die around me.
Next year, my future is uncertain. But I’m on my way and there is no stopping that.
In lieu of ending on a fatalistic note, I’ll end with a hopeful eye. This is one of my Dance for the Camera films that was just awarded Best Cinematography at the American College Dance Festival.
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