Wish You Were Here

No. 97

“Look, furthermore, my anguish as I call it arises from the fact that people have changed so much, not only in the past five years, for God’s sake, or the past ten years…but in the past thirty years to such an extent that I don’t recognize them as people any more or recognize myself as a real member of something called the human race.” Jack Kerouac, Vanity of Duluoz

As Hopkins students, potential Hopkins students – even just as thinking people – our instinct is always to rationalize. What is going on right now? Where are we going? Why? What will we do when we get there? What will we get out of it?

These past four years have taught me lots of practical, academic things to satisfy all of those cravings. Even this blog has taught me to make sense of and tell stories about my life – good, bad. So yes, as you can imagine from Hopkins’ reputation, I learned a lot. But as I went into my last blog entry ever…I had no idea what to leave you with.

But I think I might not have to try so hard. Because the last four years have taught me, more importantly, to give up this logical nonsense and enjoy our greatest talent as people: being. Not just plain bump-on-a-log being, but whole-hearted, intense, adventurous and sensitive being. Being open to everything: sights, sounds, smells, risks, uncertainties, newness, hard work, learning, love, pain. Forgetting about the anxiety of change or the instinct to classify this experience as this, that person as that. I’ve learned not to be afraid of that uncertainty that Kerouac had to be feeling when he wrote those words up there, of not being able to understand what people are thinking or feeling or doing or wanting around you – and not being able to understand what you are feeling or wanting either. It’s scary to change and to feel everyone/everything changing around you, but it sure is freeing not to have to pin things down all the time.

Digression: I recently saw Midnight in Paris, the new Woody Allen movie in theaters. Without giving anything away, the moral of the story is pulling yourself out of nostalgic visions of the past and living fully, passionately, productively in the present. It’s not about seeing the whole picture and wishing you could be somewhere else more perfect than now: it’s about being in the now and embracing the snapshot you have of it. I know it’s tempting to put yourself in the past because it’s familiar, secure, easy to understand. For some reason, last night it was a simple little tradition that overwhelmed me: standing in Wolman Hall 504′s little kitchenette with my freshman year roommate and some friends, holding marshmallows on the tips of knives and forks and roasting them over the coils of our electric stove. It seemed like the golden age – we were so young, so happy. Everything seemed so good and felt so new.

And when you get out there on your own, you start to ask yourself: what will my traditions be? What will I leave behind? What little things will people remember about me when the plain stuff – hair color, apartment, perfume – falls away? What will my legacy be? Mine is that of a storyteller. I’m the one who always has her camera out, whether we’re doing something remarkable or not. I see life in a movie frame. I’m the hippie. I take risks and I’m probably a little embarrassing. I’m creative. I know too much about pop culture and trashy TV. I love an adventure. I procrastinate intensely and I really love chicken fingers.

But none of that matters now. Now, I’m just a college grad who is twirling her hair because she is sleepy and dreaming of getting the job I interviewed for last week. And who will I be if I get it? The truth is, I don’t know where I’m going. I know bits and pieces of where I’d like to see myself in a month or in five, ten, fifteen years, but who knows what things I’ll do on my way. What will the future hold? The only thing I can guarantee, after all this rambling, is this: with every moment, I am going to be being 100%.

“What could be worse than getting to the end of your life and realizing you hadn’t lived it?” Edward Albee

Throughout high school and college, I’ve been constantly waiting for that time when I could do. When I could take all this education, and all these dreams, and all these ideas, and all this determination, and actually be what I’ve always wanted to be, or do the things I’ve always wanted to do. That time is now – and that waiting around for “life to begin,” as they say, ended when we threw our graduation caps high into the air.

And so we find ourselves, at the end of the road. Thank you, first, to Admissions_Mark, who read my application from New Jersey and admitted me to Hopkins. I don’t know what you were thinking, but I’m really glad you woke up on the right side of the bed that morning and gave me this incredible chance to do something extraordinary.

Next, to Michael Bloomberg. Thank you for being smart, generous, choosing to attend Hopkins as an undergrad, and having a lot of money. Without you and your scholarship, I definitely could not have gone to Hopkins at all. I hope I do many things in the future to make your investment worth it. If I have any say in things, I know I will.

Then, my parents. Thank you, first, for encouraging me to go to school in Baltimore, all alone two hours away from home. Thank you for not letting me come home during my first semester when I was miserably homesick. Thank you for putting up with my constant stubbornness. Thank you for buying me so many Beanie Babies, Pokemon cards, notebooks, NSync posters, and paperweights. Thank you for your hugs, your kisses, and your really tasty dinners. Dad, thank you for your clear skin, thirst for learning, and appreciation for art, history, and antique cars. Mom, thank you for sharing my love of board games and music, your optimism, and your (mostly) non-judgmental ear to listen whenever I need it. Thank you both for somehow making me believe I actually can do anything I set my mind to. And, though this is a little weird, thank you for my being an only child. Because Ashlee, Courtney, and I are all only children, we often wonder what we would’ve been like if we had brothers and sisters. We know we would be different – but sometimes we wondered, were we better or worse off being alone? I tend to think better. The truth is…sometimes I’m selfish. I wouldn’t want to share you with siblings. I want your attention, your pride, your love, your support, your concern, your encouragement. I don’t know what I would be without it and I appreciate it all more than you will ever know.

Thanks Admissions_Daniel, Roxi, Julia, and the rest of Hopkins Interactive 2007′s interview committee for allowing me to jump on board. To have had a hand in leaving Johns Hopkins with intelligent, motivated, excited students was so fun. And to have a virtual record of my four years in college on this blog is such a blessing.

Thank you, my readers. I’ve had close friends at Hopkins – juniors, sophomores, freshmen – who sheepishly admit years later they read my blog as prospective students. I’ll tell you a secret: as embarrassing as that is, I am so glad. I could’ve kept my own blog for myself I guess, but I never would have written it in such a clear, candid, introspective way if it wasn’t for an audience of prospective students and families out there. It’s been a pleasure to know you’re there and write for you for all these years. I’ll miss it. (And here, a shoutout to Mrs. Barnett, another loyal reader – though not a prospective student – and most likely my biggest fan who is not immediate family.)

Thanks, finally, to my friends. Thank you for making me feel valued and important. Thank you for making me realize that Hopkins really was my home – I just needed to work a little harder to turn an unfamiliar place into one. Thank you for being there with hugs, movies, and cookies when I needed you most. Thank you for smiling in the thousands of photos I took at college (Total posted on Facebook as of June 15^th: 5,268. I’m so sorry). Thank you, finally, for giving me stories to write about here every week. Some of my blogs were about solo adventures but, mostly, my blog has been about being able to build a family anywhere. I met exceptional people in my four years at Hopkins, and I am so happy to have them in my life forever.

It’s hard to believe four years have come and gone at all. It’s weird to talk about it in the past tense now – “I met exceptional people,” “Hopkins was my home” – but it is just that. Hopkins is done. I will bleed blue jay blue until I die, but it’s not my place anymore. A new set of undergrads will take it over, make it their own, have adventures and make mistakes and study too much and stress over boys/jobs/money/Friday night plans, just like we did. But we’ll always feel like we were there first. Class of 2011 – my family. I salute you. And I’m beyond excited to continue trailblazing with you in our many grownup years ahead.

I usually sign my blogs with “Wish you were here,” but this is one instance when I don’t wish you were here. I wish you will end up there – your own home for four years, Hopkins or not, where you will establish yourself, challenge yourself, and learn more than you could have ever imagined about what it means not to know, but to live. I can only wish you good luck and tell you – coming out of all that and taking on the real world? It feels pretty damn good.

notions of nostalgia

I really want to share all of the exciting things that have made Summer 2010 a season to remember {or those things that will make so, since some haven’t happened yet}, but I can’t get ahead of myself: before I talk about the present and the future, I have to give you a Hopkins Interactive-style recap of the past!  So here we go…

SUMMER

fashioning myself a career – june 23, 2009 (click here)

My thoughts on my internship search and my first few weeks as an intern for the PR department at Twinkle by Wenlan, a fashion label based in New York City. It’s a scary real world out there – but following your dreams and your curiosities makes it actually seem possible to get all that you want.

peace, love & beautiful clothes – august 1, 2009 (click here)

A thorough run-down of all of my responsibilities as an intern at Twinkle.  Samples, press, new media, a new book, presentations, receptions, fashion shows, OH MY.  This is why the summer of 2009 was three of the greatest months of my life.

hey now, hey now, my boyfriend’s back – august 13, 2009 (click here)

A short, “in between” blog written at my internship as a break.  Sort of a mini ode to New York City and the way its attitude can make you feel completely comfortable, no matter what you’re wearing or what you’re doing.  I knew I was going to miss working there once I headed back to Baltimore for fall semester!

FALL

i’m like the ringleader, i call the shots. – september 3, 2009 (click here)

My first day of school was easy, stress-free, disaster-free and…fun?  I was so confused, because it definitely didn’t fit my pattern.  But I knew even then that it was the start to a wonderful semester.

do what you love, love what you do – september 5, 2009 (click here)

I had the pleasure of working at the Student Activities Fair this year promoting Film Society to new freshmen who were looking for activities to get involved.  It was a lot of fun and definitely an event to check out!  Practically every campus organization comes and will answer all of your questions about being active at Hopkins.

the first of many firsts – september 10, 2009 (click here)

I learn how to use a dishwasher for the very first time!  Oh, the joys of living in an off-campus apartment!

well i make wishes late in the day – september 24, 2009 (click here)

A description of my Fall 2009 classes and professors.  It was an incredible semester in terms of academics, and I would recommend each of these five classes to anyone. I was so lucky to constantly want to go to class every day!

he’s tradin’ in his chevy for a cadillac-ac-nacac – september 26, 2009 (click here)

This year, the National Association for College Admission Counseling’s annual convention was in Baltimore!  So a few of us on Hopkins Interactive crawled out of bed early one morning and headed downtown to help Admissions_Daniel give a presentation about student blogging.  And we got free lunch!

pumpkin soup – october 1, 2009 (click here)

The start of autumn is officially here!  How do I know?  Changes in campus fashion, of course.

it’s a party in the usa – october 5, 2009 (click here)

My 20th birthday was fantastic.  Being surrounded by good friends, good music, good cupcakes, and good fun is the way to do a birthday right.

hopkins, greek god of…really fun times? – october 12, 2009 (click here)

I look forward to Greek Weekend on the Hopkins campus, when all of the sororities and fraternities engage in a little friendly competition {in trivia games, a cook-off, sports and more} to see who will come out on top.  It’s a lot of fun!

AOE. – november 5, 2009 (click here)

This fall, the Hopkins community and my Alpha Phi sorority both lost someone really special in a car accident.  It’s never pleasant to talk about these things, but here I realize just how much losing a friend can open your eyes to the importance of loved ones.  Do me a favor – never take any of your friends for granted.

that’s the way this wheel keeps working now – november 13, 2009 (click here)

Sort of a photo-post of fun times around the Hopkins campus and the Charles Village area.  After Miriam’s accident, schoolwork got put on the back-burner as we all focused on being there for each other and living life to the fullest.  It doesn’t feel like it will at first, but life does push on no matter what.

welcome to the working week – november 28, 2009 (click here)

My step-by-step guide on how to score an internship.  I’ve had four now and it takes work to prepare for them, but at the end of the day it’s so worth it for all of the experience you get and the fun you have.

tying up loose ends – december 9, 2009 (click here)

I know it usually never makes an appearance, but here I actually talk about academics for a second!  I had a few projects left until I could officially celebrate winter break and writing them down made it a bit easier to sort out exactly what I had to do.

INTERSESSION

this time, i’ll be bulletproof – december 19, 2009 (click here)

Fall semester, as fun as it was at times, also served up quite the beating.  By the end, I felt like I had been through so much – and learned so much as a result.  It was a whirlwind but, for once, I felt like I had grown up because of what I faced.  It was empowering to look back and know that I would be stronger because I made it through.

here’s to tomorrow – january 8, 2010 (click here)

It took me a long time to come up with a New Years resolution for 2010.  I finally settled on something simple: stay hungry.  Just like any resolution, it was hard to keep and even broken at times, but I’m back on track and ready to stay driven and passionate about life.

intersession 2010 – january 12, 2010 (click here)

Intersession is the optional period between winter break and spring semester, in which people travel, stay home, work, take classes, or hibernate in preparation for the next few months of schoolwork.  I took two classes back at Hopkins, saw tons of movies, and even started my summer internship search!

the johns hopkins film society – january 20, 2010 (click here)

This was a common blog written by almost all of the bloggers on Hopkins Interactive.  I’m in charge of Marketing for The Johns Hopkins Film Society, so I wrote all about our fall/spring programming, our push to involve the entire Baltimore community, and our commitment to showing awesome movies.

SPRING

girl talk – february 2, 2010 (click here)

Observations and things-to-remember from my first day as an editorial intern at Girls’ Life Magazine.  So many things to remember, so many feelings to feel…and so many articles to write!

spring 2010 – the classes – february 20, 2010 (click here)

Just as the subject says, here I give descriptions of the five classes I took this spring.  Somehow, I got incredibly lucky with my junior year because every single class I took was rewarding, fun, and truly interesting.  I loved it!

an ode to gilman – march 8, 2010 (click here)

I sat one day in the library, facing Gilman Hall and being overcome with the same scholarly awe that once got me freshman year as I walked through those big doors.  Gilman is reopening in Fall 2010 and, though I know everyone {especially Humanities students} is really excited about it, I like to think I’m most excited of them all.

hopkins cribs: off-campus apartment – march 28, 2010 (click here)

I live off-campus for the first time this year in an absolutely beautiful apartment.  I’ll take you on the grand tour of the place, photos included!  There are so many great aspects of my building that I can’t choose just one, so you’ll have to read all about it.

it’s sort of like hearing the birds chirping in the morning light – april 11, 2010 (click here)

A short post about the fun I had at Hopkins once the warm weather moved in for good.  My spring was full of concerts, picnics, and campus events – it was so much fun.

two truths and a lie – april 15, 2010 (click here)

A common game you’ll play during Orientation to “get to know” your fellow freshmen, Two Truths and a Lie crept onto my blog for a two-part fun blog.

two truths and a lie…revealed! – april 26, 2010 (click here)

Come see which statements were facts about me…and which was all a lie!

the final countdown – may 9, 2010 (click here)

My abridged guide to staying calm and stress-free during final exams.  All you need are friends!  And some good music.

misfortunes of may – may 17, 2010 (click here)

I lost my phone on a trip to Sonar, which is a club and concert hall a bit downtown.  It was a fun night but such a weird feeling to be so disconnected – communication is key these days, as I learned all too well when I was without it.  But the break from being constantly available all the time was kind of nice, I’ll admit it!

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And that brings us to today.  As I said, I have an incredible summer ahead of me – full of new experiences, fun, and plenty of sleep – and I’ll be back very soon to share it all.  Until next time… wish you were here!