A Moment of Happiness

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

-Mark Twain

All my life I’ve looked at words as though I were seeing them for the first time.

-Ernest Hemingway

The limitations of words. On a rare occasion, I tire of words. They are so subjective and dualistic. Words are never really owned by writers, they are simply borrowed for a time and we beg and plead with them to convey the message we are feeling. Often they don’t comply, someone can present a clever and coherent argument that says nothing much at all. And others convey such profound meaning with the fewest and most simple words of all.

One of my favorite quotations of all time. If you think words in English are bratty, Arabic is on a whole other level.

One never truly realizes how volatile and unyielding words can be until they are needed so desperately. This phenomenon is the bane of college students everywhere, sitting down to write a paper and realizing that you, quite literally, have nothing of worth to say. This experience is even more petrifying when it involves filling out applications for graduate school and jobs. When the medical school application asks for “A Short Autobiography,” that gives me so much anxiety. Does that include that time I cut my knee on sharp rock and had my cousin clean it with the warm seawater and cover it with seaweed, or just the fact that my family’s plane to move to the United States was delayed in the July heat? When the application asks me to describe my interest in healthcare, I get beyond panicked. Do they care that my grandmother and mother believe there is no ailment which cannot be cured with honey, or just the fact that studying the brain often overwhelms me with wonder? How do you take an entire existence and attempt to justify a passion with something as lifeless as words typed onto a screen. I love words, and as a devotee at the altar of literature I have a great respect for their power: but, attempting to providing a minimalistic view of who I am and what I stand for, I found myself floundering in the limited capability of words. 

Credit: my favorite photographer/little sister Meriem, taken in Brooklyn, NY

This occurrence has to be experienced by people at all levels of education, applying and describing and scraping in an attempt to explain to a faceless stranger that we are somebody of interest and worth. Often, it felt like I was the protagonist in J.M.G. Le Clézio’s novel “Le déluge” who gets so overwhelmed with the possibility of words that they simply fall into the background as nothing more than unfiltered noise, thoughts and emotions. The only way to get out of that, and watch out cause this is going to sound revolutionary, is to write. To simply get thoughts out and onto paper where they can be seen and evaluated. Whether it is an application, a thesis, a paper, a poem or a novel – the most difficult part is often simply putting down a string of words. Once there has been an attempt to place what we are feeling or what we desire to convey down, then the pleading with words can start. You have to be kind to words, and realize that sometimes you are simply powerless in their grasp. Because how many of us have ever dealt with a sentence or paragraph that no matter the editing and pleading and moving around, simply does not sound quite right. So the best we can do is get the words out and hope that through honesty of craft, whatever we wish to convey is coming across. Cause right now, the bosses in my world are written words and I’m just trying to get them to behave.

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Every hardship; evry joy; every temptation is a challenge of the spirit; that the human soul may prove itself.

-Elias A. Ford

At this time exactly one year ago, I was in Algeria – checking out Roman ruins, being fed exorbitant amounts of food by my many family members, driving through the bridges of Constantine, taking advantage of the fact that I was the only one traveling with my father and thus he bought me everything I looked at, and being asked by everybody second cousin to say something in English.

hi dzayer. i miss you. let's reunite real soon okay?

This year – my winter break and Intersession could not look more different to that vacation.

This year, every day consists of my making my coffee in the morning, packing a sandwich and heading off to my local library for eight hour study marathons in preparation to take the MCAT at the end of this month. To say that this is not a fun time would be an understatement of epic proportions. Thankfully, my mother convinced me to stay home in DC while studying which means that I don’t have to worry about general housekeeping/cooking/etc that I would have if I had returned to Baltimore to study. While this means that I am no longer working on perfecting my Nutella thumbprint cookies (which by the way, are pretty flawless cause my dad finished half a batch in one evening and he doesn’t even like Nutella), it is nice that I can come home from hours of convincing myself that functional groups and Newton’s laws are important enough for me to remember and get to de-stress with my parents and sister.

I usually can pull out some positive spin from whatever is going on in my life, but really right now I am in either “study” or “try not to freak out about studying” mode. Considering I have under twenty days before I take this exam, and one I hopefully intend to take only once, I figure that it is one of those toughen up times. And, in all honesty, this is part of the path that I have wanted to follow since I was a child.

Realistically, it is easy to tell people “doctor, lawyer, engineer, writer, curator, chef, etc” when you are asked your career aspirations. They are just words. I could as easily say I want to be on Broadway, but as any of my closest friends can tell you, I couldn’t carry a tune if you gave it to me in a child-proof bucket with a lid. My point being, there comes a point when the words we say, the dreams we claim to have, the aspirations that we so easily assign to our futures must begin to become a reality. And with the beginning of the realization of those desires often comes waves of hard work and a test of your dedication and passion. Would I rather be reading, perfecting my cookie recipes, preparing dinner for my family and knitting during this Intersession? Absolutely. But I have goals and I am the only person that can make them happen and so I huddle in a cubicle every day and work until my fingers cramp.

We had the first snow of 2012 today! This is the view from behind my house. (I stole this picture from my baby sister, as per usual she is my favorite photographer)

I have always hated blog posts that are irrationally and unrealistically inspirational; I feel like they are a mockery and incredibly facetious. But if I may be so bold as to dabble in some thoughts; there are certain qualities inherent to all us, the distinct ability to push ourselves to try for something more than we currently are. Passion and drive are not virtues assigned based on birth place or circumstance but rather intrinsic qualities of the human spirit that need naught more than nourishment to be integral to achieving one’s aspirations. Aspirations that are educational, personal, physical, etc in purpose. Whatever it is that you want, there is some path, some puzzle pieces that can be put together to make it a reality. So the question always is – how bad do you want it?

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People who know me in real life know that I make very few apologies for what I believe in, I’ve always been strong-willed and, as my mother would say, stubborn. More than that, I know what I like and what I dislike and I didn’t need to wait to grow up to know that, I always have and have stood by those convictions. So when I say that I hate Facebook, I am completely serious. I cannot stand the disconnected facade of human relationships that exist on this website, and the only reason I let it exist at all is because of my family abroad and friends I made at the international peace camp I went to when I was 15 and I frequently and without warning deactivate it because the hypocrisy of it annoys me.

But how does this relate at all to my Hopkins blog? Well for a variety of reasons, not the least of which entails my reflection at the beginning of my senior year and looking forward to post-university days. Just typing that out gives me a little bit of an existential crisis, but I know that I am capable of, and will keep in touch with friends that I’ve made at Hopkins without Facebook. And also because I had to learn how to do that when I first came to college, because it is so easy for us in this modern age where social media and networking sites have replaced real inter-personal relationships, to forget that writing on each other’s wall once or twice a year does not constitute a friendship. It requires a bit more effort, a bit more investment of time and thoughts to continue the connections with people that you deem worthy of that effort.

Furthermore, there is the question of privacy. Marlon Brando famously once said “Privacy is not something that I’m merely entitled to, it’s an absolute prerequisite.” I might cherish my own privacy a bit much, but divulging too much is never a good thing. There is a reason that self-help interview sites always mention to change one’s Facebook to private settings, the picture, information, etc if you’re apply for graduate school or a job. But I’ve always thought that that is the way that it should be all the time. There has always been a certain joy in finding out tidbits about one’s friends and relationships building over time, so that only one’s closest friends know everything about you. That differentiation has all but evaporated in an online world where nothing is sacred and everything is up for disclosure. (If you think I’m being over dramatic, check out the website http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/ seriously do it – if my memory serves me correctly, I don’t think the author uses bad language but freely discusses bodily functions of babies, just a head’s up).

I am by no means advocating not using Facebook, that is a personal decision to make and it obviously serves its purpose of allowing people to stay connected. My question, however, is the merit of that connection and making sure that the quality of relationships isn’t sacrificed in the name the number of “friends” one has online. So with this being a new school year, no matter where you might be, give a real conversation a try, call somebody on their birthday, go old-school and send an email – the benefits of building meaningful connections and relationships will be yours to reap for years to come.

All the best.

My motto in life to be honest.

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Love life, engage in it, give it all you’ve got. Love it with a passion, because life truly does give back, many times over, what you put into it.

Maya Angelou

It's been real AHS

This June brought the high school graduation of my younger sister and the last of my parents children. My older sister began her freshmen year there in 2001: my family has been connected to this high school for a complete decade and so it was such a bittersweet occasion. She also received her International Baccalaureate diploma, adding to the two others we already have in our home. While everyone may complain about high school while they are there, a number of years after leaving it allows one to fully appreciate what it offered. Our school motto, the title of this blog, encourages my sisters and I, as well as our peers, to ensure that our best was always being put forward and that is a lesson that carries well beyond simply academics.

My baby sister is a high school grad.

As my sister gets ready for her first semester of college, it brings to mind the questions that prospective and pre-freshmen students always tend to ask. Their ignorance of what it is truly like to be a college student is somewhat alleviated through talking with their relatives and online to one another and on forums. The question now becomes for them, what to make of these four years that will mold their interests and passions and help guide them on the path of becoming the person they want to be.

For pre-freshmen, these questions become more manageable because they are centered around one school and the possibilites that it provides. But for those of you who are just now beginning to think about the upcoming cycle of the application process, the questions must seem overwhelming. And let me tell you, they are not. There are countless resources, both in your school and online with services like SAAB here at Hopkins, where people who have the answers to those questions can help ameliorate that anxiety that comes with the acknowledgement of the fact that it is now time to apply to college.

And so ask questions to whoever will listen, learn who to trust (i.e. not everybody on the internet is somebody to trust, just cause they know how to type does not make them experts in Hopkins’ financial aid policies, trust me) and at the end of the day, know that family always want what is absolutely best for you and so their advice comes from the truest place.

After all, that is what sisters are for.

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Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, not slowly either, but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels and a hoarse roar of power or terror. It’s passing, yet I’m the one who’s doing all the moving.

-Martin Amis

Old Town Alexandria, VA

It is undoubtedly easy for me to speak casually about college admissions decisions, not only because my experience was relatively painless, but also because it seems so very long ago that any notion of anxiety seems simply an intellectual matter. I don’t remember what it felt like to wait for those emails, or to open the packages, to tell my family about the decisions – I remember the actions, but not necessarily how I felt. Despite that, I do feel a twinge of excitement every time decision time at Hopkins comes around because I know that it’ll be another round of families who are made immeasurably proud, it’ll be the beginning of a journey that is difficult to describe and even harder to predict, and the new freshmen that show up every year are even more impressive that the group that preceeded them.

You may feel like you have no control over the decisions that will be coming your way, but to be honest, the thing that you do have control over is what you make of the situation. Choosing a college to attend is often a see-saw process full of research, asking a million questions, family talks and input from people you trust – but ultimately, it is you who will make the decision and who will attend that school for four years. What you make of your college experience is entirely in your hands, whether it is your dream school or a school that didn’t expect would even be on your list. There are some people at Hopkins that I know would not choose to come here again, and there are, more, people that would choose to come back in an instant – the difference often lies in their approach to experiences. Attitude is often key.

Old Town Alexandria, VA

One of my favorite stories is that of a 92 year old man, who was legally blind, having to move into a nursing home after his wife of 70 years passed away. As the nurse takes him into his new room and begins to describe the surroundings, the man says “I love it” with enthusiasm. The nurse says “Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.” To which the man responds with wisdom that comes with having lived a full life, “That doesn’t have anything to do with it. Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged, it is how I arrange my mind. i already decided to love it. It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficult I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.”

The idea that you can decide for yourself to set a mindset of happiness and having a good experience is powerful especially in choosing a college because no matter how much research you do or how many current students you speak to, you will not really know what it is like going to a school until you attend. And so, the best we can do is make the best choice possibly based on the resources that are abundantly provided to you, especially from Hopkins. College acceptance may mark an extremely happy and anxious period in your life, but do keep it in perspective, because as Pericles said, time is the wisest counsellor of all.

Old Town Alexandria, VA

Because this post made me reflect on my decision days, these pictures of my hometown seemed appropriate.

All the best, and good luck to all applicants on your college decisions!

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When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream.

-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

For the next couple of weeks, all of the Hopkins Interactive bloggers will be writing on a common theme: our thoughts and reflections on the college application process. We’ve all been exactly where you are now and hope that sharing our experiences will help you through this momentous (but challenging!) time in your life.

Being a member of SAAB is almost like being a high school senior over and over again: we go through the process in the fall with the anxiety and stress of applying, have a lull while the counselors are reading and a burst of excitement come April when decisions are released. Most of my other friends have long forgotten what it feels like to wait for a decision from college, if you ask them the specifics of their application they’ll shrug, and they are more pre-occupied with planning for MCATs, GREs and LSATs then remembering their SAT scores. But, by the nature of working in Admissions, every detail remains a bit ingrained in our minds so that every year we can offer a new batch of high school seniors advice and answer their questions about this gnarling process.

I get to go through this process again with my baby sister who is applying to schools this year

So the question now becomes: how did I personally end up at Hopkins?

My family finds its origins in Algeria, a country in North Africa. I was born there and immigrated to the US when I was two, so both of my parents completed their education abroad and were thus unfamiliar with the American system. My older sister had already applied and was attending a university, but she was spending her junior year abroad in France during my senior year of high school so essentially, I was on my own.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have bit of a Type A personality and that manifested itself to an overwhelming degree in applying for colleges. I figured out everything myself, color coded my life and applied to schools. That isn’t to say I didn’t have any help; moreover, I had fantastic mentors in high school that read my essays for me and answered every question I could possibly think of. Furthermore, my parents were fantastic in their unwavering support and ability to deal with my frequent anxiety.

My parents are the greatest people ever. Not that I'm biased.

I got into all but one school that I applied to, but the inner turmoil that many students feel in choosing schools did not manifest itself in me. I had received the opportunity from two schools to complete their seven-year accelerated medical program, and was quite content with that direction. That is until I received an email from Hopkins. To be completely honest, I was not waiting for my Hopkins decision email at 5 pm. In fact, I did not even see the email until I woke up the next morning and opened my computer to check the soccer schedule for that day. I stumbled downstairs still half asleep and told my family “I think I just got into Hopkins.”

My mom and I at the April Open House my senior year.

Paulo Coelho, one of the few authors that both my mother and I adore, wrote in perhaps his most famous work that certain things are maktub. It is an Arabic word that is difficult even for a native speaker of both languages (i.e. me) to translate effectively into English. It could be interpreted as “it is written, it is part of destiny,” but even that does not do justice to the religious and culture implications of that word. But, it is perfect to describe how I ended up at this university. Hopkins was not a dream of mine, I did not visit the school when I was a junior and fell in love, I knew absolutely no one who attended, etc. But, it was maktub. Pieces fit together, and when we came home from a Open House, there was no discussion with my parents – it was merely assuming that I would be attending Hopkins. And the rest, as they say, is history.

At this point, I had no clue just how much time I would eventually spend in Mason.

I often feel like I stumbled onto good fortune and that the stars really did align so that I could attend Hopkins and I am grateful for it every second [except perhaps that seconds I spend studying Physics, but besides that]. If I could offer advice to students applying to college, I would implore you to let go of the cookie cut projection of a perfect high school senior that you may believe colleges want to see. When I interview students as an Admissions Representative, the ones that get me excited about the future of the student population at Hopkins are the ones that are comfortable in what they have done, the ones that can crack a joke, the ones that tell me “Buenos Aires, for a good steak” when I ask “If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?” or my favorite yet “I want to watch a match in the Camp Nou.”

When Liverpool wins, it feels almost as good as getting in college. No lie.

you just need to see this goal

When people say “be yourself,” it is not an idiom, it is not a cop-out, they are not trying to get you to stop asking questions. With all sincerity, be yourself. When you write an essay, write it about something that makes you smile as you type because passion is transmitted through the written word. Intellectual curiosity, doing something for the sake of gaining knowledge, skills and experiences – as opposed to doing it halfheartedly is easily discernible despite the term being quite intangible and difficult to explain. It doesn’t matter if you’re applying as a biophysics major, if photography makes you happy – write about photography.

The other piece of advice I would offer would be: organization should be your best friend forever during this process. But you actually have to follow through, making a chart with due dates and never looking at it again does not do much good to anyone and won’t actually help you get in your applications by those deadlines. In less than a year, you will be a college student and personally in charge of most aspects of your life and cementing organizational skills during this process can make that transition a bit less daunting (only a little bit mind you).

Also, don’t ever be afraid to ask questions. Ask your teachers, counselors, go online and find forums [like, I don't know, the wickedly awesome Hopkins Forums]. Do your research but if you can’t find an answer or if you want opinion, those are the options available to you [just a note of caution, don't ask about your chance to get into a school, nobody answers that question - ever].

Through it all, don’t lose sight of the big picture. Eventually it’ll all work out, the essays will get written, the recommendations will be sent, the applications will be read, decisions will be sent and you will end up in college. Give it your best and you might be surprised what is maktub for you.

The auditorium in Mason Hall has seats that are inscribed on the back with achievements of individuals affiliated with the university, when I visited the school for a banquet in my senior year I sat behind this seat, and if that’s not a sign I don’t know what is.

Impress us.

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This past week, I had to choose between writing this blog and sleeping. And then between sleeping and studying. And studying always win. Also I watched Liverpool lose on Wednesday, but we won’t talk about that.

i like to remember happier times.

I very rarely stay at Hopkins for more than two weeks at a time, of my own choosing I like to go home and recharge away from the campus bubble. But until this past Friday, I had not gone home for a weekend since I came for Tutorial training a about a month ago. So I was in desperate need of a break from late nights at Gilman and constantly thinking about what parents needed to be called for Tutorial testing.

it is not like my iCal is insane looking

One of the reasons that I love Tutorial so much is that it allows the students that participate in it to disconnect from the Hopkins universe for a few hours a week and appreciate the reality of the city we live in as well as everything that has been offered to us. I always want to remind students at Hopkins that in a few years, this biochem exam that didn’t go so well will be completely forgotten. Eventually, the names of professors and TAs will be a fuzzy memory and Hopkins will, and should be, remembered as a place where your intellectual curiosity was pursued, where you made life long friends, where you explored your interest, pushed your comfort zone and contributed to the world in the way that only college students can.

Mount Vernon, Baltimore

That’s just my inspirational speech for today. I’ll check that off my pages long to-do list (and I just crossed off get wireless internet FINALLY in my apartment). But, really, though – if I could give one piece of advice to any prospective student or college freshmen it would be to participate in one activity that puts you out of yourself, that makes you think of someone else for at least a certain period of time – not of the paper you have due, or the party you’re going to next Saturday, etc – just that other person. It’ll open your mind, not to mention your heart, to a whole new frame.

Eventually, after my Physics midterm on Tuesday – I owe this blog a first-impressions of my class entry.

Peter and I during the first SAAB meeting. Yeah, we're like that in real life.

All the best!

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Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.
-Corita Kent

The students of Hopkins Interactive constantly attempt to effectively show prospective students what it is actually like to be a Hopkins student. This usually means conversing about a social life, extracurricular activities, resources, advising, the city of Baltimore, research, majors, etc, but we don’t often talk about grading. Perhaps this is because grades are regarded as personal matters and the work that each student at Hopkins puts in to get a specific grade is unique to that student.

Despite this, and the initial reservations I had about discussing this topic, I’d like to discuss failure. And to qualify what I mean: the nature of the failure I am referring to is somewhere between what an excellent high school student will consider failure (i.e. a B-) and actual failure (i.e. a F). Most students that apply to and are accepted by Hopkins have a completely skewed scale of what is passing and failing which is encouraged by their position as among the brightest students in their respective high schools, and as such they are completely and utterly unprepared the first time they do not receive a near perfect mark for an exam/paper/etc.

This shock always befuddled me because you would assume coming to a school as rigorous as Hopkins with the reputation that it has, students would mentally prepare themselves to not do as well as they had done during high school. That would be the point. That this is college and not high school. There is supposed to be a drastic difference between the two. This is a place that is going to challenge you and that is what makes it so fantastic. Picking Hopkins as the college of choice is indicative of a passion for academics, intellectual curiosity and self-motivation, and with attributes such as these, it would be safe to assume that our students do not come in believing that a Hopkins education will be easy, in any definition of the word.

As a Hopkins student, you will get bad grades on exams and/or papers. And probably more than once.  And that, surprisingly enough, is okay. Failure is just as important in success in the experience that Hopkins, and college in general, offers. Failure is a part of life. If you aspire to be a surgeon, you will lose patients. If you want to become an engineer, some of your proposed projects will be denied. If you aspire to become a lawyer, you will lose cases. If art is your passion, there will be a time where a piece of art does not sell despite your best intention. If an  individual does not learn to deal with failure when it comes in the form of a D on a physics exam, them imagine the shock the first time they misdiagnose a patient or a jury decides against them.

Failure is an essential part of existence. The whole mantra of getting back on the horse is applicable in small and grandiose situations and it is a habit that must be learned early. College and academics is not only about learning material, it is, as trite as this may sound, learning how to be a competent human being. The title of this blog finds it origins in a Samuel Beckett quotations: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better” and it is a thought that should be taken to heart. Failure is acceptable because it is a stepping stone. Learn how to fail now and learn from shortcomings because improvement is of utmost importance. Further, I think that a state of mind is exceedingly important when beginning your college career. The assumption that the four years will be filled with high and low points and a continuously altering circumstance is one that will be beneficial to taking advantage of everything this opportunity offers.

And at the end of the day, that is all we can ask for.

The pictures in these blogs represent some of the most beautiful failures: Michael Jordan who was cut from his high school basketball team for his “lack of skill;” Edgar Degas, a famous painter, held a sculpture show that was so poorly received by critics he never publicly showed his sculptures again and when he died 150 of them were found in his workshop and are now considered some of his best artist works; Albert Einstein whose grades were so poor that a teacher suggested he quit and told him, “Einstein, you’ll never amount to anything!”

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I learned three important things in college – to use a library, to memorize quickly
and visually, to drop asleep at any time given a horizontal surface and fifteen minutes.
-Agnes DeMille

There is the common idiom that society has about the vast amounts of readings that a college student  is supposed to complete on a weekly basis. And it is very true; you see it all over the Hopkins campus, students sitting in Café Q or Levering, highlighters in hand, tackling a pile of readings that have accumulated.  And it is not just the humanities; the sciences and engineering almost always require reading in textbooks.

My classes this semester, see this blog for their description, almost all require weekly readings. Over all, college students read a couple hundred pages a week at the minimum. This, as a stark number, is one of the most daunting realities that you can tell a high school student because high school curriculum does not require this level of commitment.

But, let me take this opportunity to assure any high school student reading this, it is not that bad. Seriously.  You are not going to be reading four hundred pages per night: that is unreasonable (unless you leave all your reading until the day before your final, and by that point trying to read all of those pages might be a bit obsolete). The fact that classes are much shorter than in high school and meet less frequently means that professors require a bit more preparation and work outside of lecture. I happen to think this is a fair assumption.

But, as with any requirement, there are plenty of times where readings don’t get done. Sometimes we skim the biography instead of actually reading it for content, our orgo reading is reduced to glancing frantically at each successive page and insisting to your friends that you know exactly how a retrograde Diels-Alder reaction works, etc. These may or may not be examples from my own life. But, when the reading is not recommended, but required for class participation, not completing the readings end up being a bit more important.

This happened in one of my classes a few weeks ago when out of an entire class fifteen, one person had done the reading sufficiently enough to discuss it. And it took all of five minutes for our professor to figure this out, and promptly told us all to go home because there was no use for us there. And, to be completely honest, she was absolutely right. If our class only meets for an hour and fifteen minutes twice a week, there isn’t much time to make up for not doing the readings. It is not a great expectation to expect students to come to class prepared.

This was the first time I have had a professor send an entire class home, and I’m hoping not to repeat it anytime soon. So, I’m going to get on that reading now (or when I get home – the lesson still stands).

All the best!

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